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Trigger warning: This story contains real descriptions of child sexual abuse and may be triggering for some readers. 

My name is Osungu Szpernalowski and I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I remember the first time it happened to me like it was yesterday. I was about three or four years old. We had an older cousin visit us and I trusted and loved him tremendously, which makes this even more heart wrenching.

One afternoon, my older brother and I were running down the corridor, playing hide and seek when my cousin called me from the last bedroom on the left side of the corridor. My older brother had run into the last bedroom on the right to hide. I stopped to see what my cousin wanted and that’s when he offered to give me some candy. I told him that I’d like my brother to have one too, but he said that he would give him one later.

He then led me into the bedroom and locked the door. This is when I started to wonder why the door had to be locked in order for him to give me some candy. Before I knew it, he lifted me off the ground and laid me on the bed with his hand on my mouth. My body went numb and I was afraid that he was mad at me and would hit me. Not for one second did I imagine what was going to happen.

He laid down on me and proceeded to sexually abuse me. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I couldn’t move either because he was a big guy and in his early twenties.

I remember being confused and frozen. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t for fear of him hurting me even further. When the abuse stopped, he opened the door and asked me to leave. My older brother ran to me and demanded where I had been. I said nothing and for a long time I couldn’t even think about saying anything with him still in our home. I felt anger, betrayal and shame.

This was unfortunately not the only family member who sexually abused me. My uncle started sexually abusing me at five years old and this continued until I turned nine. The first time this happened was when my family had a movie night, but I was too young and had a bed time set.

I remember feeling something incredibly heavy on me and I tried to change position. When I couldn’t and felt someone breathing down on me, I opened my eyes and saw my uncle. He threatened me to not make a sound and to never say a word to my parents.

As I grew older, I couldn’t trust anyone. So when I was sent to boarding school at age nine, it became my safe haven. I grew up hating people and barely ever spoke in school. I had really bad thoughts of ending my life but with each passing year, I fought against it.

In between the ages of three and nine, my oldest brother (who was also being sexually abused) and a female cousin unfortunately proceeded to sexually abused me as well. I remember being afraid of my dad hurting me too because my trust in the men and women in my family was completely shattered.

What made it hard to heal from this was the fact that I had to live with my uncle even after I told my mom. It took every ounce of courage to bring it up but her reaction was even more devastating. She yelled and accused me of loving it and that’s why I didn’t tell her sooner. Then she sent him away for a couple of weeks. So I had to grow up with my abuser in hate and fear.

In my adulthood, I tried to bring it up again but she yelled and requested that I  never bring it up again. Unfortunately, it’s been hard to have a good relationship with my parents who up to this day, are in conversations with my abusers. These unfortunate events and having my childhood innocence being taken away from me, taught me to be very vigilant and strong.

My husband and I have a beautiful daughter who will never have a sleep over. It is of great importance for us to bring these topics up to our children and to be watchful. My uncle and cousin are extremely kind and soft spoken. You would never imagine them to be child molesters. It is hardly ever a stranger who commits these horrendous acts, but the people you trust and love.

Please be watchful of your kids.